It’s 4 am, the last of the bottles has been emptied, one too many vodka red bulls to count, a bottle of brandy…what the fuck? There’s a mysterious bloodstain your shirt cuff, you’ve drunk dialed your ex and just narrowly avoided a night in the clink. Time for bed, sugar plum wine fairies and the healing power of memory loss, but before all that, you’ll be needing to get your chow down.

Fast Food

A trademark of the Granville set, pizza and cheeseburgers somehow make a perfect pairing with bad cologne, chalky eye shadow and night busses back to the suburbs. Slurry or not, if you’ve spent your nightly budget on 10 dollar cocktails and don’t mind getting brutalized on the toilet once you get home, you’re in a déclassé paradise. Downtown is littered with buck-fifty pizza joints so it usually comes down to finding a spot with the least amount of douchebaggery – as getting wrangled into a conversation with some Burquitlamese yahoos is the last thing you  want when you’re trying to mash down on a slice of Hawaiian. Also, if you go the pizza route, drench that shit in hot sauce and that white sauce, whatever it is – the wetter the better. Recommended combo: Lime/Cream Soda Slurpee with a Quarter Pounder, side of fries and honey dip.

Korean

For anyone who is serious about feasting on some meat, Korean BBQ is a no-brainer. West Robson is Vancouver’s equivalent of a culinary Koreatown, so take your sorry, drunken ass down there and take your pick from a selection of all nighters. Jang Mo Jib is a solid choice with a variety of authentic delights to choose from and bright fluorescent lights to keep you awake. A ‘mo jib favourite is the bulgogi: a large plate of barbecued beef resting on a bed of fried onions, garlic and mushrooms. All the entrees at any respectable Korean joint come with infinitely refillable side dishes, so if you’re broke, split one between your whole crew and fill up on sweet potatoes. Make sure you order  extra hot sauce and kimchi, as to build up a nice sweat and kick start the detox process.

Chinese

With an ongoing feud between rival gangs who apparently eat at all the same restaurants, late night Chinese can sometimes get a bit sketchy. So yeah, you might catch some shrapnel with your dim sum, but on the upside, there are a few locations that serve after-hour beers on the down low, so you can keep your buzz rolling while enjoying some sub-par sweet and sour pork. At Tsui Hang Village they’ll bring a six-pack of Kokanee right to your table, rendering the food a mere excuse to get even drunker. The major drawback of the Village is that is tends to be a bit pricey, so you might as well max your credit card and go all out with the butter sauce lobster.

Pho

If you’re mobile, there are plenty of all-night pho spots in the Main/Fraser/Kingsway area, and although they can be a dicey at times, its hard to get pho wrong, so you’re in (relatively) good hands. A standout from the crowd is Pho Van, which has a stimulating interior design that looks like a set from a ‘70s era sci-fi themed porno. Pho tai and pho dac biet are dependable standards, but if you happen to be in the mood for something more substantial, the #76 with chicken is always an option. If you’re expected to present a half-decent version of yourself at work the next morning, do yourself a favour and get a Vietnamese coffee. Quite refreshing and  loaded with caffeine, so you’ll be jacked in no time.