The world of words is currently undergoing a revolution of such magnitude not seen since one Johannes Gutenburg made type movable. The ebook device, whether in the form of a Kindle, Mac Tablet or any number of brands and styles, will eventually take over as the medium through which we read books. All books deemed digit-worthy will be digit-ized. But many books, truckloads actually, hundreds of thousands, will slip through the cracks and eventually get sucked through the vacuum of time, never to be read again. Most of these soon-to-be forgotten texts could surely be deemed as “shit”, so good riddance. But some of them, due to being out-of-print and too obscure to capture the attention of the digitizing agency, will be lost classics – chunks of thought and experience that will go the way of the Apalachee and the Kakadu.

One such book,  recently given to me as a gift by the lovely Jules Moore (of Hobo fame, et al), is Bottoms Up: The How-to Guide to Booze, Babes & Bar Tricks. Since cracking the pages of this old tome to modern manhood, a bible of booze and babery, it has become somewhat of a sacred object, something I might carry in a leather satchel if I owned one. But I don’t so it sits on my desk, next to a bottle of navy rum, a pack of smokes and fresh deck of jimmies. As it stands, there are surely many copies out there in the world, but they will dwindle down to a few. Knowing that this book will  likely be wiped from human consciousness sometime in the nearish future imbues it with a certain mystical quality.  And so, in this age of instant access information overload, there’s something wondrous about owning a piece of language, neigh, wisdom, that is local to one’s self. It’s like my own tiny, private piece of an abandoned universe.

Here’s an excerpt for your reading pleasure:

THE PROSTITUTE:

You don’t run into as many hookers these days as you think you might. First of all, most of them have gotten off the streets and are using telephone answering services – cuts down on the wear and tear and eliminates both competition and two many dry runs before they find themselves a john for the night. Besides, it’s dangerous for both the girl and the bar owner. He loses more business than he gains when his place gets a reputation for being a hangout for hookers and she’s always in danger of being picked up for soliciting a vice cop by mistake. So if you’re looking for a hooker, bars are usually the wrong place  – you won’t find that many operating around pubs anymore. But just in case, how do you tell a prostitute? Simple – She’ll tell you.

Depending on how eager or desperate she is for the trick will usually determine how rapidly she makes her pitch. She’ll size you up first – don’t let your ego get out of control; by sizing up, I mean she’s figuring out how much money she can get out of you, not your personal charm. Then she’ll make her pitch – well it’s not really a pitch, it’s a blatant out-and-out proposition. And if you’re hot to trot, then you’re on your way…

BONUS: